So I have picked up my jhola and been in fakir mode last two weeks—travelling for a family wedding, and then a beach holiday through Australia and southeast Asia. And what I have learned is this—bum guns are taking over the world. In India we call them health faucets or jet sprays, or bum washers. The Muslim world calls them shattafas, the Aussies seem to prefer bum gun. I remember from a previous holiday that in New York, the Waldorf Astoria refers to them, very poshly, as a bidet shower (not to be confused with bridal shower, which I did, briefly.)
The internet couldn’t give me a clear answer as to who was the enterprising soul who first bought bum washers to India. Surely, he or she is deserving of a Padma award for services that ensured our nation was never left behind. Bum washers showed up randomly in the early 1990s in all the plumbing stores, and, ban on proselytising or not, our Hindu nation was immediately converted. They were much more efficient than the drippy, cumbersome mugga/chembu system we had been using till then—one felt rather like a desi cowboy handling the gleaming steel body, pressing the springy little hair-trigger and revelling in the focussed, forceful spray that left you feeling all tingly and minty-fresh and humming your favourite toothpaste advertisement jingle (yes, I am aware that bums don’t have gums, let alone teeth, but I am also aware that as a regular bum gun user, you know exactly the sensation I mean.)
I would like to point out that there is data to show, quite conclusively, that it is only after bum guns became ubiquitous in Indian loos that we had our bildungsroman on the world stage, and gave the world a host of global CEOs, beauty queens, Nobel Prize winners and politicians. And now, the rest of the world is slowly waking up and asking to have what we’re having.
The global north, which used to make do with soft corn husks, leaves, hay and rags of cloth pre-softened in salt water before the invention of toilet paper, is now poised to take another big leap. One that will be soft on the bottom line (repeated wiping gives you soreness and rashes) as well as good for the environment—after all, manufacturing a single roll of toilet paper requires up to 140 litres of water and almost 700 grams of wood—not to mention the water you use to flush the wadded up tissue afterwards. Add to it the risk of clogged pipes leading to sewage overflow, and the resultant environmental damage and public health issues. Of course, bidets have been common among the upper classes in Catholic countries like Italy and France, because their scripture lays emphasis on anal rinsing—but bidets are unwieldy and complicated—one has to sit astride them and they take up too much space.
Lately, Japanese toilets have gotten a lot of good press, too, but they’re expensive to buy and even more expensive to install. But the good old bum washer is cheap as chips and easily installed. They had a major moment during the 2022 FIFA World Cup in Qatar, where YouTubers educated the world in general, and Covid-era Aussie toilet paper roll stockpilers in particular, on the benefits of rinsing over wiping. So, it is no wonder that a year later, Australian brands like Tushy’s and Tudaloo are now telling toilet paper purists to shattafa up. It is clearly another big cultural win for the ancient civilisations of Asia. The rest of the world should totally thank us from the heart of their bottom.
editor@theweek.in