You should visit us one of these days—there is so much excitement in our USA! No, I don’t mean the famous USA—the Ulhasnagar Sindhi Association of Mumbai. I mean the lesser-known Unicorn Society Apartments, where I live. We are a motley group of middle-class householders who have perforce given up our genteel dreams of living in villas and have instead bought the 2-BHKs and 3-BHKs that shady builders pass off as ‘refined living’. For those insulated against middle-class realities, ‘BHK’ refers to a bedroom-hall-kitchen set; even though anyone who calls that cramped living room a ‘hall’ needs spectacles. Or he deserves an award for creative writing!
But let us return to the excitement part. Again, for the edification of the ignorant, every housing society needs to have a residents’welfare association, headed by a president and a vice-president. Till now, the president of the Unicorn Society (POTUS for us) is Jai Bhai. We call him Jai Bhai ‘Dun because he was a lawyer in Dehradun. The vice-president is my neighbour Harish’s wife. She cackles like an old hyena, but her doting husband calls it ‘an infectious and joyful laugh’. Surprisingly, even with that laugh, she puts on airs because of her mixed ancestry, which includes English genes somewhere in her DNA chain. Would you believe that even as her mother had christened her Kamala—the lotus flower—she changed her name to Camilla? After sidelining Jai, she has been behaving as if she is Queen Camilla and not Camilla Harish.
The sidelining of Jai Bhai was predictable. While he kept insisting that he could manage the affairs of the Unicorn Society (US) quite well, everyone could see that he was getting old, and senile. He sometimes stumbled and mumbled and tripped and forgot what he was saying mid-sentence. A few weeks back, while talking to some residents, he even confused the name of Zilan Singh from the west block with Wald-e-Mir Puttan from the east block. This caused much amusement because the two are sworn enemies.
Illustration: Deni Lal
By the end of this year, new office-bearers are to be elected in our USA. With Jai Bhai being a lame duck, many people thought it was a good idea to let Camilla contest. She then selected Timir Wal to be the vice-presidential candidate. Contesting against her is Do Nal Ram, who was POTUS earlier. This loudmouth keeps saying he will make our society great again. So great! He has selected the one-book wonder, Vansh, to be his running mate. Do Nal enjoys much support in the south block because he keeps repeating that he won’t allow bachelors to rent houses in our USA.
Quite amusingly, he alleged that they eat meat so he would build a wall to keep them out! A few weeks back, a flowerpot fell from the terrace when Do Nal was walking near the east block. The pot missed his head but fetched him a lot of publicity. Initially some even speculated that he might sweep into office on a sympathy wave. But it soon came to be considered a joke when Camilla quipped that the pot could have fallen out of a coconut tree!
Tempers have been running high and all residents of our USA are aligned in two camps. One of the residents, Promilla Thapan, who claims to be a historian, suggested that Camilla and Do Nal should have a public debate. According to Promilla, the Licchavis of the ancient republic of Vaishali used to elect the Gana Mukhiya of their Ganasangha after hearing the candidates debate. She suggested that this practice could be also adopted by newer democracies, like Amreeka.
The debate took place, but it was inconclusive, with both candidates claiming victory. The residents accused both of twisting facts. Camilla accused Do Nal of hanky-panky and Do Nal called Camilla names and accused her of hocus pocus. He later suggested that she needed to have her head examined. After that the two vice-presidential hopefuls had a slugfest, but it was a damp squib, with no fury, no light and no sound. So Do Nal started dropping sinister hints about some ‘enemy within’. But many of Camilla’s group have been alleging that the only enemy is Do Nal.
As of now, Camilla seems ahead by a whisker, but she has the double disadvantage of being a woman and a ‘gora’. The POTUS has never, but never, been a woman. All the misogynist residents are uncomfortable at the thought that she will take the salute at the parade of security guards of our USA next July 4, which is the founding day of the Unicorn Society.
I really want dear Camilla to win because then, for the very first time, our USA will have a Lotus POTUS! Unfortunately, she faces accusations of hocus pocus, so she just might become the first hocus pocus lotus POTUS. Further, Do Nal Ram’s group is notorious for levelling allegations of electoral malpractices whenever they lose. So if Camilla wins, and Do Nal’s supporters prove their allegations, the focus would be on a bogus hocus pocus lotus potus!
K.C. Verma is former chief of R&AW. kcverma345@gmail.com