Anjana A. Karumathil
Anjana A. Karumathil, Associate professor of practice at IIM, Kozhikode
Think of the most charming, ambitious and successful, but entitled, arrogant, short-tempered and manipulative person you know. Remembered anyone instantly? Are they your friend, boss, or family member? Do you love and hate them? Congrats! You just identified a narcissist, and you are not alone: one in 16 people are manipulated by narcs.
Psychologist Dr Ramani Durvasula calls narcissism the second-hand smoke of mental disorders. Narcs don’t recognise how cancerous they are, but those around them do. Since narcs believe they are perfect, they rarely seek therapy. However, those absolutely destroyed by them consult shrinks, wondering what they did wrong.
Narcissism is named after the handsome Greek god Narcissus, who fell in love with his reflection and died from languor. Sigmund Freud introduced the term to clinical psychology in his 1914 treatise ‘On Narcissism’. Robert Waelder from Freud’s psychoanalytic society first described a narcissistic personality thus: contempt for others, intense preoccupation with self-superiority, overvaluation of cognitive abilities, and no empathy for others. While most people make moral decisions using explanations like “I must not do or think this, it is immoral or unethical; my parents taught me so”, narcs think “this should not be, as it does not align with my noble personality”. Psychiatrist Dr John Nemiah described narcs as individuals with unrealistic goals and insatiable craving for admiration, intolerant of imperfections in themselves and others.
Narcissism is endemic in modern workforces and its impact remains underrated: it could easily be called “being successful”. Narcs are experts at working corporate and government systems, switching on their charm to further their agenda while knocking down anyone blocking them. Our systems reward this behaviour as shareholders don’t care about empathy, especially among men, to subordinates (more men are narcs than women). Studies show that empathetic employees earn less than narcs, driving narcs to top jobs where they continue to lie, cheat and manipulate others physically, mentally and often, sexually. All narcs demonstrate such traits to some degree, but when taken to extremes, it becomes narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), according to the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the psychiatric Bible. Such people experience poor impulse control, remain self-obsessed, and are depressed because they fail to reach their goals. NPD requires ongoing therapy and counselling. Official stats suggest that 3 per cent of the population has NPD; actual numbers may be higher.
Are narcs born or made? Research says mostly made. Parents who set unrealistic standards for children create narcs extremely demanding of themselves. Such parents may leave their children feeling unloved when they fail to reach these goals. Thus, these children become enraged when facing setbacks and lean into aspects of themselves that their parents love. Other parents idolise children, creating a ‘God complex’ where children are never wrong, a breeding ground for narcs. Psychiatrist Dr Otto Kernberg suggests that NPD manifests as the unremitting search for brilliance, power and beauty. Their mental pathology shows through superficial friendships, chronic emptiness, boredom, and exploitation of others. The most common narcs are grandiose: they brag, show off, post too many selfies, and believe they are special. Covert narcs behave like the world owes them something; they seem sad and believe they are ahead of their time. Communal (hashtag) narcs often volunteer and proclaim to save the world, but only to get the photos, hashtags and validation. The most toxic are malignant narcs who are charming on the outside but lie, steal and demean others with abandon.
In a study titled On the narcissistic state of consciousness, psychoanalyst Dr Sheldon Bach says you can identify narcs by observing how they perceive themselves and others, speak, follow through, and control moods. They talk endlessly in circles about themselves using “I…”, but for others, they use abstractions, like “one feels…”. They will tell you they are busy but closer examination may reveal fruitless pseudo activity. They have intense, frequent mood swings, jubilant one day and raging the next. They may blame their tardiness on circumstances. Are they sweet to you but mean to the waiter? Ding. Charming to the boss but screaming at subordinates? Red flag. Just met you, but calls you soulmate? Run. Treated you like gold until marriage but ignores you now? Sorry, yes.
Your best defence is distance. Be cordial and flatter them if necessary, but stay emotionally detached. Limit your conversations and if you are the target of their disrespect, silently withdraw. If they are your family member, speak when necessary, but develop other healthy friendships. Never get close in the hope of changing them, lest you end up at Dr Ramani’s clinic.
Remember the narc you identified earlier? Could someone else have identified you?