They’ve all had their say. Industry bigwigs, media top guns, social commentators, part-time philosophers, full-time TV panellists, politicians, sagacious shuttlecock players, learned film personalities, out of work experts… all of them have offered authoritative comments on the L&T chairman’s message to his employees.
Did they leave anyone out? Yes. The intended audience of the message. Actually, let’s not bother too much about them – we don’t want them to nip a good controversy in the bud.
So as the experts held forth, we listened and learnt the technique of whipping up a brouhaha out of thin air.
Here then, are 10 ways to cook up controversy like a pro:
1. First things first. Pick up a somewhat emotive issue, and size up its headline-making capabilities. It could be something you’ve heard. Or your brother-in-law has heard. Or both of you have overheard. Don’t fuss too much about the facts. Just make them up as you go along.
2. Try and make yourself tone deaf. You don’t want to listen to the context of what was said. You are not interested in the spirit in which it was said. And you certainly can’t be bothered about the previous history of the parties involved. Remember, the world wants a colourful controversy not a white paper.
3.Villains Wanted. Controversies need villains like guns need targets. Someone who is visible, recognizable and can cop all the blame you are going to be throwing. If you can’t find a villain, another step is needed - make one.
4. Memes are mightier than meaning. The humour may be low grade. Don’t worry. It will correspond with the audience’s IQ levels. Can’t find a fresh joke, pull an old one out. Just brush off all the mothballs.
5. More the merrier! Crowd out good sense. Don’t give readers/viewers/browsers the luxury of a pause. The fire will rage only as long as people don’t have the time to step back and think.
6. Easy Does It! Cooking up a spat is not hard work - it won’t call for the proverbial ‘90 hour’ workathaon! Once you have lit the fuse, sit back and watch the issue taking a life of its own.
7.Vox Pop. Find persons who like their 15 seconds of fame. That’s practically everybody mentioned in the first paragraph. What they say is not important, how they say it matters. While they are packaging platitudes as if they are profundities, they should do it with the air of Einstein elaborating on relativity.
8. Play the victim card. Every good controversy has a villain at one end, and a victim at the other. On offer is a good menu of victims. Exploited labour, women unfairly treated, exploited environment … any card will do, provided you play it deftly.
9. Balance Be Damned! While the one-sided debate is coming along nicely, some party poopers will call for balance and tell you to look at both sides of the picture. Shush them at sight. You shouldn’t lose focus.
10. Somewhere along the way, your target will attempt a throttled clarification. Pounce on that with malicious glee. It’s your second innings. Give it all you’ve got, and there will be no third innings.
Controversies have the life expectancy of fire-flies. So, get the drums rolls and the bugle blast. Make the most of what you have in hand before the next controversy comes along and gives this one a well-deserved burial.
