Neha Bhat's book, Unashamed: Notes from the Diary of a Sex Therapist, begins with a description of the rocks behind Bandstand in Bandra, Mumbai, which seem to offer some form of refuge to all kinds of people—from college students watching music videos and sharing tiffin to older couples stealing a quiet kiss. "In a morally-policed society like ours, where many of us are implicitly taught to live dual lives to avoid shame and judgement, these quiet rocks seem to offer honest solace for the city’s lovers," she writes.
According to her, our society is a silent catalyst to the shame that many of us feel when it comes to topics like sexuality, mental health and therapy. Bhat, a licenced sex and trauma therapist, posits that our shame is often illegitimate and a result of our culture's repression of anything to do with sex and sexuality. This is illustrated through the stories of her previous patients. Each chapter begins with one and concludes with exercises to help us reflect and deal with our own demons, whatever they may be.
Bhat tackles difficult subjects like sexual assault and trauma in a sensitive manner, offering something akin to a “safe space”. Her academic and professional heft gives authenticity to her views. At the same time, the fact that many of us have faced the issues she addresses makes her writing charmingly relatable. Perhaps this is also an indication of how pervasive this malaise of shame that our society so shamelessly instils in us.
At some point in your life, perhaps right now, have you wondered whether it is wrong to want to be touched by your wife in a way that feels good to you? Or whether you can ever be healed of the sexual abuse you went through as a child? Or whether you should tell your partner about it? At first glance, the answer seems pat. Yet, anyone who has gone through these experiences knows how shame clogs the channel for your healing, how it isolates you in your battle, and how it clouds instead of clearing your confusion.
In fact, shame is the running theme of the book, and she anchors it to the structural issues of Indian society and our communal backwardness. She elaborates on the different ways shame can be expressed or internalised and how it can stem from ourselves and our experiences. Her views on how to destroy it often take us on an introspective journey. Each chapter deals with this in different ways and while many of her insights are subjective, reading her own experiences gives a first-person perspective to certain issues. Through Unashamed, Bhat advocates breaking down the generational suppression of shame and developing a healthy relationship with ourselves and those around us.
Perhaps when we judge or silently shame those couples hanging out by the rocks, we are inadvertently expressing the shame that we ourselves are feeling. Perhaps this double standard is the only thing we need to be ashamed about.