Phone calls from home in India had begun to distress Alexander Varghese, working in the UAE. His wife was feeling anxious about their daughters. Just transferred to a new city, she was struggling to balance a high-demanding job, regular night shifts, and home. To top it, the children's caretaker quit. This mounting insecurity at home permeated to Alexander, and a tough choice was made. When he quit his high-paying job in 2009, he was clueless on how to tread the path ahead. All he knew was he had to be at home with his wife and children.
“Our children needed the safety, comfort and personal attention of parents. My wife and I decided this was the best practical solution as her job was more stable,” said Alexander, 51, recalling the days when he withstood social stigma and silently busted stereotypes to be a stay-at-home dad.
Alexander Varghese with his daughters Ayanna (L) and Anetta (R)
The decision came at a time when he was in his prime and his home state Kerala was still basking in the Gulf boom. “My mother was extremely hurt. Though she tried to understand the underlying feelings, she could not come to terms with the idea of her son having to depend on his wife's income,” he said. Even for his girls, having a stay-at-home dad was unusual. He would cook meals, pack tiffins, pick them from school, drop them at tuitions, and be around always. Today, Alexander is a proud father. He is glad that things have worked out well for his family. His elder daughter Anetta is a fourth-year medical student, and younger daughter Ayanna is in class XI.
If Alexander and his wife broke conventions, their partnership at home also did something remarkable for their girls—they grew up in a home where gender-based stereotypes were less prominent compared to many other homes around them.
Redefining the gender balance at home was a challenge in 2009, and it continues to be so. Most youngsters today come from either of these two kinds of homes—with working mothers or stay-at-home mothers; with fathers who matter-of-factly helped with the dishes and chopped onions or with fathers who stay put; with mothers who taught the boys to wash their clothes or those who washed it for their teenage sons. And lessons from the upbringing reflect in the way homes of young couples are managed today. Now, more and more youngsters are trying to redefine gender boundaries at home, especially where both partners are working.
First lessons
In March last year, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg shared a powerful Indian advert on her Facebook page, asking men to share the load. “This is one of the most powerful videos I have ever seen—showing how stereotypes hurt all of us and are passed from generation to generation,” she wrote in the post. “When little girls and boys play house they model their parents’ behaviour; this doesn’t just impact their childhood games, it shapes their long-term dreams." Sandberg was referring to Ariel India's #SharetheLoad advert with a tagline: “Why is laundry only a mother's job?” The poignant ad features an elderly father writing a letter of apology to his working daughter who toils hard to juggle work and home. Oblivious to her efforts, her husband sits on the couch, watching TV. In the letter that sends out a loud message to the world, the father apologises for not helping her mother with the chores, and also for her husband who might have been raised in a patriarchal set-up and was never taught to share the woman's load.
Lakshmi Nandakumar, 35, often gets a bitter dose of patriarchy in the seemingly innocent questions her eight-year-old son Govind throws at her: Why does she wear a sleeveless kurta, or why is his father cooking, while it is the mother's job? And she spares no chance to bust these budding notions before they bundle up into something bigger and nasty over the years. She sits down with Govind to explain why all this normal; that if Govind can help flip a dosa, it is also fine if his father cooks.
Rajesh Mehar
To raise mature, sensitive adults, we have to change the way we tell the gender story through their childhood years, feels 37-year-old Rajesh Mehar. “It is never too early to start. As soon as they can sit up and see the world around them, they should be seeing their fathers in the kitchen on a regular basis, or their mothers being comfortable in all roles fathers play. Either of the parent should not get over-represented or under-represented in certain areas,” said Rajesh, who proudly claims to be a feminist father of two children—a two-year-old daughter and five-year-old son.
“Why should men who do the house jobs get brownie points and be held up as a hero these days for 'liberating his wife from the shackles'?” wonders Bengaluru-based Rajesh. It seems the standards set for men are too low, he quipped.
Rajesh, who works with IBM in Bengaluru, has been working from home since 2011. His wife Shabari Rao, is a dancer and an educator. Her work involves extensive travel and on most days, the onus of daily chores like breakfast and sending the kids to school fall upon him. However, Rajesh and Shabari make it a point that both of them are equally adept at doing the tasks around the house, and ensure they exchange it often enough, even if it is giving a bath to the kids or helping them unwind before bedtime.
The other side
Gender equality at homes is not just solely about the kitchen, changing diapers or the household chores. There is more to it, said 27-year-old Neetu Karthik. Men, too, need support from their wives—be it taking the car out for service, or getting the plumber to fix the tap. Neetu, married to a software entrepreneur, said the responsibility of financial liability should also be shouldered by women. When we demand gender equality, it should reflect in all areas of the home.
“I do not wait for my husband to help me out with managing the house, or my son's activities,” said Lakshmi. Her husband Hari, a freelance musician, travels for work through the year. Reiterating Neetu's idea of gender balance at home, Lakshmi said women should prepare themselves to do the so-called 'man's job' around the house, too. It is important not just learn to how to drive, but how to fix a tyre, or even check for basic needs of the vehicle, she adds. While her husband pitches in when he's around, Lakshmi single-handedly manages the show at home, and that in itself, is a strong message for her son.
